Post-Valentine's Day Entry.

Since February is the month of love (eck), I just wanted to share an old blog post of mine from Multiply, talking about that certain emotion that we have come to be addicted to thinking of during this month...or any other month for that matter. Haha. Disclaimer: I was 16 when I wrote this so if it seems a little cheesy, just remember that high school has that effect on everybody... So here goes: 

The Meaning of Love

by Angelo Panelo 

Love is not a language, nor a logical equation, but an unexplained entity living amongst us.

Love is eternal. Love lasts forever; for even if we don’t know it, it breaks through the rules of time and space. It is spoken in many ages, many languages, through different people, through different beings, but still the same as it was before.

Love stays with each and every one of us; a symbiotic relationship with our hearts and souls.

It has shared our feeling of sweet shyness upon first meetings with our loves and also

 shared the shedding tears from bitter farewells.

Love guides us through our hearts; joining upon two stars and two fates destined to intertwine.

Among eight billion strangers, two people find each other with their mutual feeling of affection, binding them.

Love is not a game; it surpasses the rules of Hide and Seek or Chess.

There are no winners nor losers, but merely just players trying to tell ourselves that we’re playing a silly game. It’s not one of our childish tendencies, but our guilty pleasure.

Love isn’t a battle or a duel. It is a cause in which we fight for, in which we believed firmly in. It’s not the enemy, yet it has betrayed us… Combined with fear and rejection, we fall to the deep trap, thinking otherwise, believing in an illusion or an alibi.

Love is unconditional. Love is a martyr. Love is sacrifice, in which we all do. We have suffered numerous times, but still manage to stand up and spread our arms like an eagle…to defend, to protect.

Love is the feeling that covers up the voids of our hearts. The non-existent Shield that guards…

Love is the root of all our emotions; the cause of our mixture of happiness and sorrow, innocence and remorse, passiveness and wrath, pride and humility, and loneliness and emptiness.

Love is the word used too much. Too many definitions, that we add a new one or two everyday. For me, there is no definite meaning for it since it’s just in our natures and instincts....

To be or not to be, that is the question.

"Gusto ko ba talaga mag-Med?" This question has been haunting me for the past few weeks. Well actually, the past few months. I've discussed this issue countless times already with peers and friends, but I can't seem to figure out what I really want, and it's annoying how things around me brings up that topic of uncertainty.  Where was the old me that was so sure about going to Med school? Where was the Angelo who told countless others that he couldn't imagine not being a doctor in the future? Was it all a facade? Some default reply to the question "What are you going to be when you grow up?"? How does one even know that his/her path was paved by his/her own decisions and not the decisions of others? How about you? Are you sure that what you are doing is a product of what you want or something given to you by your friends or your family? 

How I wish I didn't have indecisiveness as my weakness. Now, I'm not sure if it's just the anxiety and uncertainty that comes with senior year or it's my usual indecisive self. I'm guessing it's a mixture of both. Senior year always does this to the average population of college kids. Though some have already set their eyes on what they're going to do next,  some still wonder of the future, and what will follow after diplomas have been given. On the other hand, there are people, like me, who are confused and dumbfounded of which way they are going to head to: The one they had originally planned or the one way that just recently popped up?

 I have always been like this. I have always held the belief that life always presents a crossroads to different possibilities. Imagine me in the center of all these roads, sitting, seemingly lost with a bunch of whispers from all around me saying where I should go next. There are just too many voices that I can't even hear my own. I've recently come to the realization that I've been listening and following orders all my life that I've failed to recognize what I really want. In my family, we grew up thinking that we can only be of two things: a lawyer or a doctor. I guess we just got used to it. Both of our parents were known in their fields. Two great role models to look up to. Two great heroes that had to pass down their legacies onto their children. That was how I saw it. I don't know about my siblings, but that was how I saw the blueprint of things. Someone had to follow in their footsteps and tread the waters that they have crossed. My sister, who was the eldest, chose none of these paths, which left my brother and I the only "candidates". I don't know how my brother ended up choosing Law, but he certainly didn't like the life of a doctor. I, on the other hand, had a imaginary picture of what a doctor's life was, and this was because I was a frequent visitor in my mom's office. You go to your clinic, talk to your patients, place a stethoscope to their chests, write squiggly notes on a piece of paper, and then charge your patients for the service you have given them. I would even play in my mom's office and pretend to be a doctor. Whenever someone would enter, I would introduce myself as "Dr. Panelo" and then place the stethoscope on their chests. I was a kid. A naive, playful kid who didn't know what he was doing. I was just copying things that people do around me. How was I supposed to know that people were already labeling me e a "future doctor". And then came the reinforcements from my mom. She would often take me to different places (usually out of town) and at the end of every trip, she would always say these words "Anak, makakabalik ka rin dito someday pag naging doctor ka na." Whenever we went to the mall and I wanted something, she would always say that I can buy all the things that I wanted when I'm a doctor someday. And I guess I fell for it. I fell in love with the seemingly luxurious life of a doctor. I don't exactly remember that day when I said I wanted to be a doctor, but I can remember the countless times that I was introduced to people as the one who will follow my mom's footsteps. I guess I got used to the idea of becoming a doctor that during my elementary school years, I always gave my best in my Science subjects. I studied all the time. I had instilled in my life the joy of receiving good grades and dreaming of becoming part of the honors section someday. During these years, I had also discovered things that represented other possible paths for me. I recognized my love for drawing and painting. And then at Grade 6, I fell in love with writing. I had talks with my parents back then that I also wanted to go onto Fine Arts or Journalism. They would always reassure me that they would be supportive of what I wanted, but I always saw a tiny drop of sadness in my mother's eyes. So what I would was just shrug these thoughts off and just tell myself that drawing and writing were just hobbies of mine. In high school, I remained the same. I still gave my best in academics. I was a nerd. Also during these years was when I started to have an interest in photography. Again, I had another possibility appearing in my life. I could be a photographer, and go on to places. I could write about my travels and even draw things that I would see. But again, I shrug it off as just some childish fantasy and not something feasible for me. It was another hobby that I can do in my spare time (if spare time even exists in a doctor's life). When college admissions came into the picture, most of my friends who told me that they were set to becoming doctors, chose other paths, which left only a few of us signing up to schools which boasted themselves as the best in forming the best doctors. I felt betrayed back then. I was so engrossed with the idea that we were going to take up the journey to Med school together. But I slowly accepted that it was what they really wanted to do. When I graduated from high school, I still had the strong desire to become a doctor, but it wasn't because of the luxurious life that I had imagined a doctor would have (that was just a bonus), but it was because I wanted to help people. Sure, it sounds cliche and shit, but I really wanted to help people. I cringed at the sight of fresh wounds and my hands aren't good enough for simple slicing and peeling (ask the dead frogs, cats, and sharks that I had to practice on), but I wanted to aid others in alleviating their pain. I guess it's an instinct of mine to help others, but is that instinct enough for me to actually go to Med school?

Will that instinct of mine fuel my drive in accepting the so-called daily challenges a Med student, and an eventual doctor has to take? Am I even built for this? Am I even ready to live a life of beating the clock and studying endlessly? I know I have been doing this since I was young, but am I willing to continue living my life like a zombie wading through the halls and panic at the sight of low grades? I am sick of such life. I am sick of living this static pace of living. I want to be an explorer, a free spirit. A traveler with no exact destination. Just somebody who has a keen interest and a thirst for new horizons. And yet, I get to think of how I would do these things if I don't have a stable career. I have to be realistic. I can't just live off my parents' hard earned money for the rest of my life. I have to be practical. I have to choose what's practical. Actually, I have to rephrase that. Yes, becoming a doctor is practical, but I don't want to choose Medicine because it's the practical and sensible choice, but rather because I really want to pursue it.

I recently talked with my family about the thoughts I've been having. They were shocked when I uttered the words, "Eh pano kung ayaw ko na maging doctor?" Mom thought I was joking, but she slowly became serious. I had set off something in her system. Even my father and my brother were surprised. There was a good 3 minutes of awkward silence, when my dad broke the ice. "Eh di maging abogado ka." We laughed for a bit, but I could feel that they were waiting for me to continue. I told them the truth that I was unsure. I know my parents I have already heard this countless times, but it was a first time in a long time that they reacted with such seriousness. My brother asked me what I wanted, and as usual, I didn't have an answer. They told me to try it out first. If I wanted to continue being a photographer, I could do it while I was studying Medicine. My mom even reassured me that she had a friend who's a full time doctor, but gets to also showcase and sell his paintings. My dad continued by saying that while he's a lawyer, he also gets to exercise his passion for teaching by also being a professor. When I think about it, I guess it's healthier to live a life with a balanced state of work and play. When you're stressed with your profession, you could always escape to your hobbies to keep you sane. Though I have realized this, I still feel uncertain of what to do.

I guess this uncertainty stems from the fear I have of Med school and of following my mom's footsteps and living up to what she has done. My brother told me that it's normal to be unsure, especially when you're in your graduating year. He was also hesitant to take up Law that even during his first few months in law school, he was still not confident of his choice. It wasn't until the sem ended that he firmly believed in his decision. He told me that he knew what I felt, especially that he is also following the footsteps of our dad. There's always that pressure, but you just have to strive to be better than the original. He told me to just try it out like he did, and if I felt like I didn't belong there, then I would just man up and pursue other things. I liked how my brother laid it out for me. I guess I should just regain or  better yet, relearn my passion for Medicine. I have to get used to the fact that my determination would always be challenged in every way possible, especially in a hard ass and stressful career of being a doctor. I may see myself as someone who is weak-hearted for such a great obstacle such as Med school, but like many things in life, I would have to go through a process, and maybe in that process, armed with a relearned passion and a disciplined state of mind, a weak heart can become a heart filled with tenacity.

Blogging vs. Blah-ging

Got this from thunderpopcola.tumblr.com. I just felt like sharing it to you guys. Enjoy!

“

My blogging philosophy tells me to only blog when I really have something to say and not because I want to say something…The mere advocacy here is to publish with quality, significance and relevance. Writing just one paragraph doesn’t mean it can’t be thought-provoking.

…If your goal in blogging is just so you can keep up with others or make sure you’re never out of sight, out of mind and to get even more following that what you already have, then the tendency is for you to keep on hitting that publish button with hellos, empty narratives, a few press materials and pretty much nothing else but blahs.

I know, I know. In reality, our everyday conversations are sometimes super random and gibberish - from the most superficial cravings, gossips and trivial themes. Who doesn’t like a light and casual chat? No one. But when you think about it, the most fun and/or fulfilling conversations - the ones that will truly stick out, are those where you learn new things or where you’re able to share what’s in your heart.

My point is simple. When I say, blog with substance, it doesn’t necessarily equate to overly complex and serious philosophical concepts, fancy words or profundity. The problem with blah-ging is, when you put it in a basic metaphor, is like feeding a person [your reader] with sweets, junk and other treats without any nutritional value, thus making the person either unhealthy or sick. Meanwhile, well-thought entries are similar to food items that are rich in vitamins and minerals that nourish the body. It’s mere elementary science.

”

”BLAH-GING” For the Sake of Blogging

Malabo Tulad ng Mata Ko.

Gusto kong humiga sa kalsada at magpabasa sa ulan. Gusto ko chill lang ang buhay. Gusto ko lang magpahinga. I need a break. I need a Kit-Kat. I need to relax. I need to calm down. I just need to stop. The world's moving too fast. I'm tired of this "multiple tabs" life. It only shows how much I still have to do. Goddamn whoever created multiple tabs. I know it's useful and all, but all it does is point out your workload, which overwhelms you because your work is piling up, and all you want to do is just lay down and look at the ceiling. Ahh the simplicities of life, how I miss you, but technology has made life more complex. More idle-inducing... if you catch my drift. "I don't want this anymore, but I have to finish this". Pang-ilang tao na kaya ako na nagsabi 'nun? Ayoko na bilangin baka malaman ko na ako lang nagsasabi 'nun. Di ako nagrarant. Di rin ako nagdadrama. Gusto ko lang mag-type case procrastinator nga ako. Okay bye na. Gawin mo na rin yung gagawin mo. Salamat sa pagbasa. Bow.


P.S. Listen to this while reading my entry. Mas sasabawin ka.
Tarsius - Deathless Gods

Alive and Kicking!

Ui hello! Buhay pa pala 'tong blog na toh? Figures. I am a procrastinator after all. If you could only see how many drafts I've written for countless entries, maiisip niyo rin na "Mamaya ko nalang tatapusin mga toh." Nakakabagot masyado. Parang buhay ko. Kidding. Promised myself to detach myself from my emo personality. That's too high school anyway. Ano bang tawag sa emo pag naging adult na? Uhm "adult". Di niyo nagets noh? Di ko rin gets humor ko eh. Haha.

So what was the point of this entry? Well for one, I'm just writing to prove that I'm still alive. Two, I've realized that I need this blog, since it's one of the things where I can reflect and escape. Three, wala lang, I just wanted to say hi to you guys. Musta na ba mga buhay niyo? Yun lang naman. Yang tatlo lang naiisip ko kung bakit ko gusto magsulat ng entry. Kung meron pang rason, sige ihahabol ko nalang sa susunod na entry. Hanggang sa muli, paalam!

Overheard at the Office: Week 1

This week, Julia and I already started our OJT at a pharmaceutical company based in GBC. It's been only one week but the whole experience is already an eye-opener for us. Oo eye-opener talaga. Pano? Well we learned that people who work in the office, especially the cubicle next to ours, are the most hilarious people ever. Kahit hindi intentional yung mga sinasabi nila, tawang-tawa kami sa mga punchline nila. Ang mahirap pa, since office setting, you really have to be sneaky and quiet when it comes to laughing. Ang hirap pala pucha. Sumasakit yung tiyan ko, sabay naluluha pa ko. Tarantado kase yung mga nasa kabilang cubicle eh, kung anu-ano pinagsasasabi. Here are some of the things we've heard throughout the week:

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"Ate, pwede pasubo sayo?"


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"Kaw na maghugot."


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"Pasaksak nga."


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"Ang dumi mo."


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"Uhhh guys I would like to intro-juice..."


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"Hindi ako kumakain eh.... ng healthy."


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"Yan yung pantry. Maliit lang kaya nga pan-three."


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"Ito yung pinaka-importanteng tao sa opisina... para sakin."


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"Ganyanin mo ng kamay mo. Yan oh yan oh."


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M: "Kambal sa uma."
F: "Ano, kambal sa suman?"


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"Tehnchu."
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F1: "Ayan saraaap. Ow. Ayan dalawa pa, sige pa."
F2: "Matigas eh."
F1: "Matigas talaga yan."


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"Tigasan mo pa. Suntukin mo, yung parang nakikipag-away ka kay _______."


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F1:"San ka ba galing?"
F2:"Nanlalaki."
F1:"Kala ko ba may asawa ka na, puta ka nanlalaki ka pa."


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"Sampolan mo naman ako ng pole dancing."

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"Come here, come here. I have something first for you."


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"Para di na siya mangapa. Hawakan mo dito."

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"Nagulat ka ba? Masyado bang malaki?"

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M:"What's your favorite fruit?"
F:"Suman. Skinless suman."

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"You're a fire hazard you know that?"

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F1:"Gusto mo ng itlog?"
F2:"Anong klaseng itlog ba yan?"
F1:"Itlog ni Mang Jun."

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"Isa siya sa one of the...islands."

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F:"Ito ba yung itlog na may cocomber. (cucumber)"
M:"Ano? Anong sabi mo, cocomber? Nagsusuklay?"
F:"Ang sabi ko CO-COMB-ER!"
M:"Oonga nagsusuklay yan."

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"So lagi kang nagpapakasta?"


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M: "Si _____ di raw pumasok ngayon kase bubuo raw siya ng bata."
F: "Sabihin mo kahit di na siya pumasok ng isang buwan basta makabuo siya!"

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"Where is my stapler? Have you sent?"


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"Did you mind if I?"


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Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

I got this from thunderpopcola, one of the blogs I follow on Tumblr. Her entry really caught my attention for some reason. Maybe because it's appropriate to where I am in my life right now, wherein I am at a phase of self-discovery, which constantly yearns for reassurances and more guidance. So if you think or feel that you are also in that phase or you're just in need of a good read, you should check this out. It'll inspire you. Peksman.

Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008.

…..

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself.Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.