It's weird how the wee hours of the morning always compel you to contemplate about life. Every time I'm awake during these early morning hours
(whether I'm studying or just being my plain insomniac self), I usually do a
"lifestyle check". It usually starts with me assessing the things I've done the previous day, then I start checking on the actions I've done and evaluate the words I've said. I usually end up feeling down-er than usual, since I get to realize how sad my life is. Maybe Nathan was right when he said that I didn't look as happy as I was portraying. Maybe something is missing. Don't get me wrong... I have no major issues with my family. I love them. No problem in that area. No problem in the financial area either, since my folks give me the appropriate financial help they can
(and sometimes it's more than I need), and I've thankful for them and the things they give me. I have no problem with my friends either, since I know that they genuinely care for me and my well-being even if I'm an asshole at times. Sa grades naman, so far, matataas naman nakukuha ko
(mataas para sa standards ko). So okay lang. In the area of relationships of the romantic kind, matagal ko nang problem yun that it's not really a priority right now
(ano daw).
So what's making me sad? I guess... the problem's internal. I don't like being like this... being myself. I feel as if I'm not doing more to improve myself. I don't like being a procrastinator anymore. Presidente nga ako ng org pero ramdam ko na wala akong kwenta. I keep telling myself
"Bad timing lang yan, bro. Di mo naman kasalanan na naging president sa year na pinakamahirap maging estudyante. Maraming academic demands.", but I feel as if wala naman akong ginagawa to improve it. Pinapasa ko lang responsibilities ko to others. Just like what Kuya Mico did last year sa akin; I'm doing it to Ida. Parang title nalang yung pagiging president ko, and I don't like that. I guess masyado akong nag-expect sa sarili ko. I should've listened to myself when I realized that I wasn't ready to take the responsibility, instead I succumbed to wishes of other people. I wasn't chosen because I was the best man for the job, I was chosen because they didn't like my other two competitors. Ayaw ko nang ganito. I've been on the edge of quitting a thousand times, pero feel ko di pwede kase nakakahiya.
Naiingit ako kay Kay kase kahit officer siya tas wala siyang ginagawa or konti lang nacocontribute niya
(sorry Kay), she can run away with it. Pero sakin, when I don't do something, all eyes are still on me. I hate this spotlight cast upon me. I always pray to God to give me the immense courage to face the challenges given to me, but I guess this inadequacy I feel about myself is what God wanted for me to have that courage. Aalamin ko muna yung kahinaan ko, bago ako kukuha ng lakas para tanggalin ang mga ito at tahakin ang mga pagsusubok na darating (shit ang lalim).
Sorry kung nadramahan kayo sa mga sinasabi ko. Sorry kung magulo at di cohesive, ganun talaga ang utak ko... actually it's my amygdala doing the writing. Ah basta, pabayaan niyo nalang ako.
